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Red Bull Climbers Suck

redbull

Some pro climbers are willing to do just about anything to fund their lifestyles; different dogs, same old bone. Rock climbers who accept sponsorships from disreputable companies like Red Bull embarass themselves and the sport they represent. Red Bull is one of the most notable sponsors of adventure sports and also the most abominable. Numerous studies have shown the harmful ... Read More »

Heard Enough About Them Mutants!

mutant

I recently had the wonderful opportunity to NOT attend a speaking event by Alex Megos, and just the thought of this genetic mutant sauntering up 5.15 has got me in a vitriolic kind of mood. I was drawn to climbing for the adventure of it, the splendor of the mountains, the feral capriciousness of nature. It is a shame to ... Read More »

You Might Be a Dirtbag If …

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You are having the absolute best time of your life, EVER … The real bums nod at you, as a show of solidarity … The last time you showered was two weeks ago in a Starbucks bathroom … You lurk in the cafeteria of a ferry boat waiting for some schmuck to leave his table, then snatch some half-eaten poutine ... Read More »

A Million And One Ways Not to Die

neverfall

Climbing is dangerous. It says so on the ‘biners. The question is: how can we make it a little less dangerous? Throughout life, we mostly learn from our mistakes. When I was a young punk growing up in Brooklyn, I teased a younger kid about being effeminate. He clocked me square in the jaw (hey, Brooklyn was rough back then!) ... Read More »

Man Vs. Grizzly Bear (And Lydia Marmont)

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Grizzly Bear Encounter: Rogers Pass, British Columbia (July 9th, 2015) Having just climbed the Southeast Ridge of Mt Uto, my partner and I were descending lazily in the extreme heat of the afternoon when an off-duty ‘visitor safety’ specialist named Lydia blew past us. Despite a grizzly bear advisory on the trail, she left her climbing partners in the dust ... Read More »

‘The Classic’ – Rock Climbing Poem by Jesse James

The guidebook marked it ‘classic’ The FA called it ‘boss’ Above me on the starting pitch – One hundred feet of choss. My parter froze with mouth agape The looseness gave him pause Handing him the rack I grinned ‘Ain’t nothing but some moss.’ Halfway up that awful pitch He pulled a piece of choss Tumbling down the rotten face ... Read More »

13 Douchebag Moves To Pull At the Crag

douchebag

1. Cajole a newbie into leading a hard route. Get creative – use peer pressure! 2. Bail off a route, then ask someone to rescue your draws. ‘You’re gonna climb it too, right??’ 3. Eat someone’s Cliff Bar 4. Set up a toprope on a popular sport route on a busy weekend, then work the shit out of the route ... Read More »

I’m an ACMG Guide! WOOHOO!

acmg

by JESSE JAMES …. I always wanted to be a guide. Oh, the glory. The pride. The fame (well, maybe not). But as you might guess from my experiences teaching newbie friends, I wasn’t quite ready for my ACMG guide exam. I wasn’t even ready for the pre-test. Maybe not even for the pre-pre-test. I could climb hard enough, sure. ... Read More »

A Guide to Sanbagging Newbies and Sportclimbers on Squamish’s Grand Wall (5.11a)

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by JESSE JAMES …. One of the most legendary multipitch excursions in all of Canada, the Grand Wall cuts a brilliant line up the cleanest sweep of granite in Squamish, an imposing face of steep corners and flakes. I run up The Grand at least once a month to re-assure myself of my manhood. The Grand Wall is a fantastic ... Read More »

I Got Bit By the Mouse’s Tooth: A Lesson in Sketch

badanchor

by JESSE JAMES …. Having gotten spanked last week on Slesse’s Northeast Buttress (I was trying to bring an absolute beginner up the hill, only her third time rock climbing), I felt like my ferocious love affair with alpine climbing was suddenly turning sour. Slesse was a real breakup with the mountains, so I needed a rebound climb and turned ... Read More »